![]() ![]() Remember that the anger was just a mask for deeper feelings, and feelings deserve to be felt. Important: Do not say that the anger hurts you. I understand that you got really angry earlier, and I want you to know that I heard how upset you were. ![]() When the explosion has passed (it always does), regroup with your child and honor and accept the anger. no physical violence, hitting walls, slamming things, or throwing things), but don’t try to stop the feeling itself. If your teen is in the midst of an angry explosion, set boundaries about how that anger is expressed (i.e. Instead, observe your teen carefully and identify some of the feelings the anger is masking. So, when you want to talk to your child about his or her anger, don’t try to take the anger away. Many people with eating disorders attempt to protect themselves from feelings like hurt, envy, insecurity, and loneliness. Here’s a great graphic created by The Gottman Institute regarding the real feelings that may be lurking below anger:īy taking a look at this “Anger Iceberg,” you might recognize some of the deep feelings that your teenager is attempting to mask with anger – and with his or her eating disorder. A lot of times this means understanding that anger is a common mask used to hide truer, deeper feelings that are very uncomfortable to feel. Instead, you want to help your child feel the anger in a more productive way. You never want to suggest that your child should not FEEL anger. It’s not that you want the anger to go away. When you have a child with an eating disorder like anorexia, bulimia or binge eating disorder, anger management is an important part of healing, but not in the way you might think. Either action fosters separation, not connection. Instead, there’s a good chance that your teenager gets even angrier, and responds either by turning their anger on you or walking out of the room, avoiding any further contact. ![]() It’s not as if when you say these things your teenager turns around and says “You know what, Mom, you’re right! I’m going to stop being angry right now.” But it’s also likely that you have noticed that such statements are not very effective at getting your teenager to change angry behavior. This means that feelings of anger are usually the byproduct of another emotion, and we express anger as a way to protect the true and raw feeling that is at the core of us.It’s OK if you have said these things in the past – you’re human. Lastly, I think it’s important for us as moms to realize that anger is often a secondary emotion. You can say, “I understand that you are angry about (fill in the blank), but we don’t (insert unacceptable behavior here) when we are angry.” ![]() Try to avoid telling your child to “calm down” or to say that they are overreacting - while acting out in anger is not okay, you want your child to know that feeling angry is okay. Instead of turning immediately toward defensiveness, remind yourself of Truth such as “I cannot control my child’s behavior,” or “this discipline is not working, I need to go at this from a different direction.” Remind yourself that your child’s anger is not actually about you. If you need to remove yourself from the situation, that’s okay, and sometimes it’s the very best course of action. As a mom, when your child becomes angry and acts out toward you, the best thing to do is to pause, to step away, and to take a minute to regain your composure. When your child wells up with anger, it’s very normal to become instantly defensive. Dealing with anger is a fact of life when you’re a mom, no matter if it’s your anger or theirs that’s causing problems. ![]()
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